No Need to "Let Go" of Loved Ones after Death

There is a school of thought among psychologists and grief counselors that the aggrieved person should find closure by "letting go" and getting on with his or her life.  Nothing is more wrong, Dr. Louis LaGrand believes.  We should be saying hello to our deceased loved ones, not goodbye.  

"Of all the misconceptions associated with the grief process, none is more damaging than the idea  that mourners must let go of the deceased and find closure," LaGrand, a semi-retired professor, opines.  He agrees, however, that you can hold on "too tightly" to the past and that this can prevent the mourner from rebuilding his or her life in the present.  He distinguishes between "love" and "attachment," pointing out that love is being fully committed to the welfare of the departed, while attachment is being more concerned with one's own needs.  "In short, mourners should establish a new relationship with the deceased and reinvest in life at the same time," he offers.  
 

The author of eight books and numerous articles, LaGrand, who lives in Florida, is known world-wide for his research on the extraordinary experiences (EEs) of the bereaved, otherwise known as after-death communication or ADC.  EEs, LaGrand stresses, are not messages coming through mediums or psychics.  Rather they involve such phenomena as seeing apparitions, hearing the deceased person, having a scent of the deceased person, intuitively feeling the person's presence, sometimes even feeling a touch, receiving meaningful symbols and signs, and having vivid dreams about the deceased love one.

With advanced degrees from Columbia University, the University of Notre Dame and Florida State University, LaGrand is a distinguished service professor emeritus at State University of New York, as well as a certified grief counselor.  He gives workshops on grief support and stress reduction in schools, hospices, and health agencies around the United States and abroad.   Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with him and discuss his years of work with the bereaved and his study of EEs.

 "The scientific method does not lend itself well to examining spontaneous events or intuitive faculties," LaGrand says, "and so these things must necessarily fall under the umbrella of the paranormal, but they should not be brushed aside and ignored because they do not meet scientific criteria, as they bring about healing and expanded consciousness for mourners and give meaning to life."

As LaGrand sees it, the hope generated by EEs and other forms of after-death communication, including mediumship and near-death experiences, is the most unappreciated virtue in coping with loss and change, especially the death of a loved one.

To deal with grief, LaGrand recommends keeping a journal, noting synchronicities and asking yourself what the message is, reading some of the powerful evidence of the spirit world, starting a daily spiritual practice, whether meditating, writing, chanting, or simply taking time out to talk with our loved ones in spirit.   

"Without a doubt," he responds when asked if believers are more open to accepting the death of a loved one than non-believers.  "They believe the beloved is in a better place, out of pain, and most comforting, that there will be a reunion one day.  There will always be a relationship and death cannot take it away.  This also implies that they are still loved and have an advocate on the other side."

LaGrand's interest in dying and death began some 40 years ago when he attended a conference on human ecology along with several of his fellow educators.  On the drive home from the conference, the subject of dying and death was brought up by one of his colleagues.  "I realized then how little I knew about the topic and decided I needed a crash course on the subject," he recalls.  "The next semester, I included a short mini-course on the topic in the Human Ecology course and the students loved it.  Within the space of a year I was able to get approval for the first full semester course on dying and death to be taught at the college.  Of course, this meant I had to do a lot of study and preparation which brought me to joining the Association for Death Education and Counseling. There I learned much over the years from colleagues I befriended."

As for dealing with the dying, especially in hospice work, it would be ideal if all the terminally-ill had the knowledge and conviction of the Spiritualist and LaGrand would be happy if his books, including Love Lives On and After Death Communication: Final Farewells, were more widely available to hospice patients, but the reality is that few hospice administrators and volunteers are prepared to discuss such things.  "Hospice philosophy does not push knowledge about an afterlife on its patients," LaGrand explains.  "This does not mean that the topic does not come up.  Hospice personnel allow the dying person to take the lead in this regard.  Some dying people want to talk about it.  Others do not."

As with hospitals, hospices can differ significantly when it comes to discussing the afterlife, depending on who is in the leadership positions and who is in the trenches, LaGrand points out.  "Officially, administrators seem to want to be politically correct and not say it is policy to discuss the hereafter," he adds.  "Without a doubt many people want to talk about what's next.  One of the important skills of the caregiver is to determine when an opening for discussion presents itself."  
 

But many caregivers are schooled in orthodox religion and therefore not prepared to discuss the subject in a meaningful way.  And, of course, there is also the problem of the pastors who serve the hospices and the dying patients.  "There are some denominations in orthodox religion who believe the devil is behind much of the communication that is claimed by mourners," LaGrand says, shaking his head. "However, Catholics, Episcopalians, and some others are open to the possibility by way of the Doctrine of the Communion of Saints.  When I deal with a conflict, as I did once with a Baptist minister, I let the person do all the talking and make no attempt to change his views.  Why?  Because both sides hold extremely strong views and I believe it is a waste of time to try to change the other."

LaGrand has observed a wide range of attitudes among the dying.  "Some are very accepting of their deaths and are more concerned about how their loved ones will get along," he muses.  "Others have some fear of the unknown.  Still others will deny their deaths right up to the end.  This can be very disturbing to family members. Yet, denial of one's death may be the only coping mechanism a person possesses and can employ, and we have to be very careful about taking that away by trying to get the individual to understand that death is near.  It would only greatly add to the anxiety." 

While most dying people want close family and friend around for a while, at some point they tend to go within and seek peace, LaGrand ends the interview.  "The last words of my father, whom I saw take his last breath, to his sister, who was trying to keep him engaged with life was, ‘Please leave me alone.'  He died shortly after.  He was a believer and was ready to go."

Dr. LaGrand's web site is at:  http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com/